Anxiety

I don't even know how many different times I've started this post.

I've always dealt with some form of anxiety.  From typical things like the first day of school or dances, to having a full blown panic attack the grocery store.  Things got worse after Katie and Matthew died but I learned and coped. 

I learned that exercise helped.  Sometimes.  I learned that watching my diet, crocheting, sleep, taking care of myself helped.  Sometimes.  Then we got Michael and Ruthy.  Again- not their legal names.  Yet.

Becoming the mom to two toddlers overnight paired with incident reports (every time they got hurt) made my anxiety skyrocket.  How could I keep them safe all of the time?  What if the courts looked down upon us for the bruises the kids would inevitably get?  What if the courts took the kids away because of one too many bruises?  What if they got really hurt?  What if something happened to Tim and I'm solely responsible for the kids?

And up went the anxiety.

I tried the breathing techniques, the exercising, everything I used before.  Nothing helped.  I could not get out of my head enough to see that they're kids- accidents happen.  The court and our caseworkers, obviously, knew that.  I just couldn't stop thinking of something happening to them.

So I went to see my doctor.  I cried through the entire appointment.  He diagnosed me with generalized anxiety and gave me some medications to help.  He encouraged me to see a counselor who specializes in grief/baby loss and to take my medications as prescribed.

Overall, I'm so much better.  I still have times where everything is so overwhelming and I don't feel like I can handle it, but that's normal.  That's parenting.  That- I can handle.  I'm hoping that with the weight loss and diet changes that I'll get to an even better place.  Maybe even a place where I don't need the medications. 

Hi All!

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post.  I always want to get better at blogging, then I'm just exhausted when I finally get a chance to sit and write.

I started South Beach again.  I need to focus on eating better.  I've been so busy with work, the kids, and life in general that fast food has been my primary means of lunch.  Which is horrible.  I've packed my lunch a few times this week and ate salads the other days.

I'm not sure if I want to run the 1/2.  Running is hard, I don't enjoy it right now, I'm not motivated by it.  Perhaps, I should focus on just being healthy for the time being.  And enjoying my family and being active with them.

There's nothing really to report on the kid front.  They're both doing wonderfully and have birthdays coming up!!  The Boy wants a bug cake.  I think I'm going to make The Girl a rainbow cake.  If you're Facebook friends with me then you may even see pictures!  Of the cakes, not the kids :)

So, sorry it has been so long.  I'll try to be better.

OH WAIT!!  Some friends and I are starting the Biggest Loser type weight loss.  Send me your email if you'd like to join!  The details haven't been decided yet, but possibly $20 to participate, winner (or top 2 perhaps?) get a massage or gift card to a local (to them) spa!!

And so it begins...

Training.  For this.  With kids.  My bff is going to run it with me.  My sister-in-law (well one of the 3) is going to as well. 

I feel like things are sort of even keeled with the kids, for the time being, and they would enjoy a trip out in the stroller a few times a week to help me get ready.  I may try to do the long run each week without them.  Pushing an additional 65ish pounds-o-kid is a lot while trying to not die.  We shall see.  How do you other moms do it?  Seriously?  I need help!  Also- meal planning.  How do you do it?  Teach me.

Kid update: The Boy & Girl are doing quite well lately.  We seem to have hit our stride, which I'm sure will change in a few days.  I mean, they are toddlers... but for now it feels amazing.  The Boy has wanted me to comfort him instead of his baby and blanket.  The Girl thinks it's the bestthingever to laugh at her brother and to make Daddy & I proud.  They're just wonderful.  It took A LOT to get here.  And I know we are by no means "over it" yet, but it feels amazing.

Okay. Seriously...

I have the best excuse for my lack of posts.  Or the 2 best excuses :)

I believe in my last post we were just approved to foster, or were just about to be approved.  Let me go back there...

November 5th- We were approved to foster.

November 8th- We got a placement call.

November 9th- We welcomed our kids into our home.  And things haven't been and will never be the same again.  We are incredibly proud parents to The Boy and The Girl.

Obviously, I can't go into detail.  Especially here. 

Things started out really rough.  The Boy came with a lot of "issues".  Tantrums, hitting, biting, kicking, head banging.  Explosive tantrums.  Explosive everything.  We had few laughs, smiles, and easy times in the beginning.  The Girl learned most of his behaviors (but they weren't nearly as explosive) and didn't sleep through the night.

Now?  We have gigglefits and dance parties.  We have smiles and trips to the park.  It's not all rainbow and sunshine, but we have gotten through so much.  And we sleep!  Obviously, we hope that this moves toward adoption and should know more, soon.

Exercise and diet has been placed on the back burner.  Which means I didn't run the 1/2 marathon this last weekend.  I strapped the kiddos in the stroller and we cheered our family on.  I'm on the fence if I will train for one in the future... I'm leaning toward yes.  We shall see.

And now this momma is going to bed.