Hellllllllo!!!

Hello blog readers!  I'm so sorry for neglecting y'all.  I am now on vacation and will dedicate some time here.  I need it.  Here are my updated goals:


January- Finish the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon - Completed woot!
February- Stick with my diet  I give myself a "C"
March- Increase exercise- in progress... doing well so far!  Started & completed a Whole30!
April- Turn 30 (Yikes!)  Survived turning 30 and completed my Whole30.  Then fell off the bandwagon.
May- Go to the American Humanist Association convention in San Diego  That. Was. Amazing.  Tim and I had a great time reconnecting, discussing important issues, and meeting new friends.
June-  Stick with my diet and exercise- Currently in progress.  I started a dietbet and another whole30.  We have the adoption party coming up next weekend and I'm thrilled to see so many friends and family members that I haven't seen for awhile.
July- Girls' Trip to Vegas!!
August-
September-
October- Long Beach 1/2 Marathon (I was absolutely talked into this by Shannon.  I blame her).
November-
December- Celebrate meeting all of my goals and losing (hopefully) 50lbs.

Overall, I'm down about 19lbs and 10ish inches from Christmas.  And for the first time in a long time I see me meeting my goals. 

Things were rough at the end of the school year- my work stress carried over to home.  But I'm happy to announce that things are going wonderfully now.  We're all in a routine and the kids (and Tim!) love having me home.

Goals.

I just realized that I never updated from February.  I would say I partially met my goal.  February was rough.  But so far- I'm doing better in March.

January- Finish the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon - Completed woot!
February- Stick with my diet  I give myself a "C"
March- Increase exercise- in progress... doing well so far!
April- Turn 30 (Yikes!)
May- Go to the American Humanist Association convention in San Diego
June-  Stick with my diet and exercise
July- Girls' Trip to Vegas!!
August-
September-
October-
November-
December- Celebrate meeting all of my goals and losing (hopefully) 50lbs.

I'm part of an online weight loss support group.  The ladies there are so incredibly awesome and supportive.  And encouraging.  I couldn't keep up with this without them.  I love them so. 

January in Review

Overall, I did a pretty good job.  I mostly suck with my diet, I exercised, and I finished the 1/2 marathon.  I gained 7lbs back after the 1/2 and overall have lost a total of 10.4lbs and 7.5 inches since Christmas.  That makes me feel awesome.

My goal for Feb- stick with my diet and exercise.  I'm not going to give into temptations, instead I'll find better alternatives.

How'd you all do?

Anxiety

I don't even know how many different times I've started this post.

I've always dealt with some form of anxiety.  From typical things like the first day of school or dances, to having a full blown panic attack the grocery store.  Things got worse after Katie and Matthew died but I learned and coped. 

I learned that exercise helped.  Sometimes.  I learned that watching my diet, crocheting, sleep, taking care of myself helped.  Sometimes.  Then we got Michael and Ruthy.  Again- not their legal names.  Yet.

Becoming the mom to two toddlers overnight paired with incident reports (every time they got hurt) made my anxiety skyrocket.  How could I keep them safe all of the time?  What if the courts looked down upon us for the bruises the kids would inevitably get?  What if the courts took the kids away because of one too many bruises?  What if they got really hurt?  What if something happened to Tim and I'm solely responsible for the kids?

And up went the anxiety.

I tried the breathing techniques, the exercising, everything I used before.  Nothing helped.  I could not get out of my head enough to see that they're kids- accidents happen.  The court and our caseworkers, obviously, knew that.  I just couldn't stop thinking of something happening to them.

So I went to see my doctor.  I cried through the entire appointment.  He diagnosed me with generalized anxiety and gave me some medications to help.  He encouraged me to see a counselor who specializes in grief/baby loss and to take my medications as prescribed.

Overall, I'm so much better.  I still have times where everything is so overwhelming and I don't feel like I can handle it, but that's normal.  That's parenting.  That- I can handle.  I'm hoping that with the weight loss and diet changes that I'll get to an even better place.  Maybe even a place where I don't need the medications. 

Happy 2013!

I hope you all have a wonderful 2013.

Now is the time that resolutions are made to, in general, make us better people.  I do have a lot of lofty goals for 2013 and I really don't want to be disappointed in myself like I was in 2012.  I want to I'm going to look back and be proud of myself.  I'm going to make monthly goals for myself. 

Here's what I have so far:

January- Finish the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon
February- Stick with my diet
March- Increase exercise
April- Turn 30 (Yikes!)
May- Go to the American Humanist Association convention in San Diego
June-  Stick with my diet and exercise
July-
August-
September-
October-
November-
December- Celebrate meeting all of my goals and losing (hopefully) 50lbs.


And that's all I have so far.  What are you planning on doing to make you better in 2013?

::taps screen::

Hi?  Hello?  Is anyone there?  6 months is a long time to not blog.  Here's a rundown of the last 6 months.

Parent rights were terminated.  We are steps closer to legally being Michael and Ruth's parents.  Not their real names, by the way.  They are flourishing.  They are amazing.

I've signed up for the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon again.  And I'm slacking on training.  Again.  But I'll get on track.  I have to.  I refuse to be disappointed in myself.  I don't want to give up.

And that's pretty much it.  Ha!

I'm on MyFitnessPal.  Feel free to follow me at: itsmetw.  I'm thinking of doing a Whole 30 to detox from all of the crap I've been eating lately.  If anyone has meal plans to share that would be greatly appreciated!

I'm sorry I've been slacking.  I will try to get better at regularly blogging.  I promise.

I'm. A. Slacker.

Remember when I wrote about my motivation and how I found it?  It was fantastic.  I was exercising daily, watching my diet, and felt amazing.  Then I got sick.  For a week and a half I was going through the motions of my daily routine... minus the exercising.  I was too dizzy, exhausted, and couldn't breathe.

And then there was Monday.  Matthew's birthday made incredibly special by getting the call saying that my best friend was being admitted to labor and delivery.  I was incredibly honored to be there and help her through labor.  Her sweet baby boy was born on Tuesday morning.  They are both healthy and doing wonderfully.

So exercise wise I haven't done much at all in the last 2 weeks.  I know I'll get it back, I have to... the 1/2 marathon isn't that far off. 

My friend (and someday guest blogger) S and her husband J are coming out to visit in the middle of November.  I'd like to lose at least 15 lbs by then.  I know I need to stop slacking, stick with my diet and exercise, and I'll get there.

That's what has been going on with me.  You all know that I'm pretty open with things, what are some topics you'd like me to talk/write about here? 

Almost One Year

I've had a difficult time deciding what to write for Matthew's upcoming birthday.  Whether I wanted to share the raw emotions here, or just on my private loss blog.  And I suppose it's okay that I haven't made a decision seeing as how I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.

There's obviously pain.  Remembering where I was this time last year and how hopeful I was.  I was receiving so much support from family, friends, and complete strangers.  We received so many calls, emails, pictures, and game faces.  It had to be different this time. 

We obviously know it wasn't.

And while it is so incredibly easy to sit and focus on that, I'm trying so hard not to.  I've had a few bad days which were made worse by this never ending cold and not being able to work out.  I've been dizzy, snotty, and stuffy for the last week.  Walking around campus makes me winded.  Working out obviously hasn't been done.  And now it's moved into my chest.  I'm hoping this means it's on its way out.

So.  Here I am almost a year after my heart was broken again.  I never thought I'd lose 2 babies and live.  And not only live, but have this hope that I have today and rebuilding my heart and body for the future.

60 Days

In 60 days my wonderful friend, S (the soon to be guest blogger) and her husband will be landing in CA.

In those 60 days, I would like to fully complete the 30 day shred and be able to run 5 miles without stopping.  I think with that and eating well, the weight should just melt off.  At least, I hope it does.

Last week was incredibly busy and difficult.  I got out to run once and it was so hot and humid it was awful.  I wasn't even happy I went when it was over.  The weather shouldn't break 100 this week so I should be will be running more often.  I also have my physical and I'm interested to see how much my cholesterol has dropped, assuming it has dropped.   I'll keep you all posted.

As for now, I'm going to take a bath and hope my migraine leaves.  I don't have time to have one.  Peace out, folks. 

Recommitting and Ramblings.

In the last month I fell off of the diet/exercise bandwagon and was dragged behind it.  Any resemblance of the normalcy I created is gone.  I didn't have a schedule and did whatever I wanted to do.  Which is obviously not good for me.

The school year started on Wednesday and kids start back Monday.  Which seems like the perfect time to catch up to this bandwagon again.  I don't think I can be as strict with my diet as I was before but I know I cannot be as lenient as I have been lately.

I look at my body and I don't think the 4lbs that crept back on is too noticeable, but I notice it.  I see it in the way I carry myself.  I feel my stomach protruding and my neck feels fat.  I know a lot of people trying to lose weight feel this way so I'm just going to lay it out here:  I am so pissed at myself for stopping even though I know I needed the break to refocus and adjust.

All of that being said:
Tomorrow I'm starting this 15k training program.  I'm totally okay if it takes me longer than 10 weeks seeing as how the measly 2 miles seems daunting.
Tomorrow I will make a meal plan for the week and go stock up on the healthy foods so I can be prepared for the stressful week ahead.

AND- exciting news... my friend S is going to be a guest blogger!  We are going to get through this together, just like we've gotten through so much together already.  We will work out our reward for when we meet whatever goals we set.

My goal?  I'm thinking the final 25-30 pounds by the end of the year.  Part of me thinks that 30lbs is incredibly unrealistic.  Another part of me thinks knows that if I follow my diet and stick with the training, I should be able to hit it.

So there we are.

::waves to readers::

Hi all!  Sorry it's been so long since I've written anything.  Tim and I went on vacation with 2 awesome couples then picked up our puppy.  So.  We've been busy.

That little weight loss ticker over there ::points to the right:: is still moving, so I'm happy with that.  It's slow.  But it's moving.  And that's all that matters. 

And I do have a confession.

I haven't been exercising as much as I should be.  Since coming home from vacation, I've been working and chasing a puppy around.  It's hard to do things, like exercise and cook, with needing to keep an eye on the puppy.  And I feel so guilty when I'm gone all day and not give the dogs all of my attention.  But.  I'll get back into the routine.  Like today.  Today I'll exercise.

I've been asked a lot about what I do for exercise.  Since I despise the gym, I've been doing The Biggest Loser Challenge on Wii, TBL Last Chance Workout and walking.  I have TBL Challenge set for 4 days a week for 40 minute workouts on challenging.  I do the Last Chance Workout on days I don't feel like doing the other and just want to get a workout over with and done.

Another confession.  Even though I have it set for 4 days a week.  I haven't stuck with the program.  But my newest goal is to lose the next 7.5lbs in 3 weeks before I go to Boston.  I know I can do it.  I'll just have to stick with my workouts. 

So, do you like it?

The new layout that is. 

I think as I take new body pictures, I'll have the progression instead of the ones I have now.

I had a good weekend.  I went to Anthropologie and tried on this dress.  In a 12.  And if I didn't have to take deep breaths or sit, it would have been just fine.   So I ordered the 14.  It should be here soon.  If I need to get it taken in later, I will.  But a 12?  That's insane.

I have a feeling the next couple of weeks may be slightly difficult.  We're going on vacation to San Francisco.  But.  I know the foods I can and shouldn't eat.  And I'll be with some of the most supportive people ever.  And I'm sure Ghiradelli will have some dark chocolate for me to munch on.

I also hope to hit a new weight milestone soon.  20 lbs.  ::fingers crossed::

18.6 lbs.

Whoa. 

18.6 lbs since my highest weight.  Which is slightly cheating considering it was like 2 days after Matthew was born.  But I really don't care. 

Ladies and gentlemen.  That is 18.6 lbs.  Only 1.4 away from 20.

I started the shots today.  So far the only side effect is that my arm hurts.

Today while Dr. W was giving me the shot she asked about cravings.  I said "chocolate and coffee."  I can have both now.  Hooray!!!!  Decaf coffee, of course, and organic 80-95% dark chocolate.  I'm so happy.  So happy.

I think this calls for a stop at Starbucks tomorrow for a decaf with soy.  Yay!

2 more pounds down!!

Hooray!!  I've been incredibly busy with work and well, life.  But I'm still managing to watch my diet and exercise.  Although I could do more of that...

The 2lbs lost this week bring my total down to 16.2lbs total since after having Matthew.  And 11.2 since I started this weight loss journey.  You know... last month.  That's awesome.  And I need to focus on how far I've come instead of how far I have to go.

I feel as though I'm holding out on you, dear readers.  A lot of what I'm going through is so incredibly personal and while I do feel comfortable talking about my feelings, I don't really write about them in relation to my weight loss.  But I know the day will come when I talk about my losses here a little more.  And like I've said before, feel free to ask me any questions about my losses, weight loss, diet, whatever.

And as always.  Thank you for the support.  You all are wonderful.

Another 3lbs down...

Ladies and Gentlemen!  That's 9.8lbs in 2 weeks.  Isn't that amazing?  I am so proud of myself.  And that feels amazing.

I met with Dr. W today.  She is equally as impressed with my weightloss.  I told her I feel so much better physically and emotionally that it's just... unreal.

The plan from here to my next appointment (Feb. 1st) is to continue SB.  This week, she said, I can be flexible with the diet.  But starting Tuesday, after I get home from WA, I start the cleanse.  This cleanse is to rid my body of toxins and to get it in better shape for maximum weight loss.

When asked about side effects, Dr. W said I could be/have:

• Bloating
• Muscle/joint pain
• Gas
• Headaches
• Moodiness
• Exhaustion

So.  I should be a joy to be around.

I also need to restrict my diet more.  Practically, it's cutting out dairy and soy.  I can do that for 2 weeks.  Good thing I like almond milk!  Typically, people on this cleanse are supposed to avoid foods that could be allergens.  But since I'm on such a restricted diet anyway (although it doesn't feel like it at all) I'm allowed to have eggs.

Over the next few days (week maybe) I'll be revamping the blog and adding tabs with recipes, my workouts and such.

And now.  I'm going to finish watching The Biggest Loser, snuggle in my blanket and bask in awesomeness that is being 9.8lbs lighter.

6.8 lbs!

YAY!

6.8 pounds.  In a week!

I'm honestly amazed how my body is reacting to eating foods that are easy for it to digest and process.  I'm also amazed by how good I feel. 

It's not super hard either.  Which is a shock!  Already being prepared has helped a ton.  Especially yesterday, my first day back to work, when an iPhone glitch made my alarm not go off.  I woke up an hour after it was supposed to go off.  You know... the time I usually leave.  Luckily, I had breakfast, lunch and snacks all ready to go.  I just popped the egg cup things in the microwave then rushed out the door.

People at work have even made comments which never hurts.  I think the biggest change is just how good I feel and how I carry myself.

All in all the first week has been successful.  I go back to Dr. W next week and I'm looking forward to seeing what else she has in store for me.

I have received Facebook message and comments on here (some that were asked to not be published) and it just means a lot to me to know that I have people supporting me.  Thank you all, so very much, for your support.

::superbigsquishyhugs::