Weekly Meal Plan

This last week I didn't meal plan.  And holy moly- I didn't stick to my diet.  Little cheats here and there made my stomach upset.  So.  Here's my meal plan for this week.

Breakfast (for the week)- egg bake (eggs, egg whites, veggies, hot turkey sausage)

Lunches: salad, bell peppers with tuna (amazing), leftovers

Dinners: Pesto chicken & roasted broccoli,  turkey burgers & salad, pork tenderloin & roasted brussels with proscuitto, fried cauliflower rice, grilled stuffed portabello mushrooms. 

I don't have links to the recipes right now but if you'd like them- I'll pull them up!  I'm really excited about the cauliflower rice.  I love that stuff an inappropriate amount.

As far as exercise- when it's not raining I'll take the kids on walks.  If it rains, I'll fire up the Biggest Loser workouts.  For me, it's not about killing myself to lose weight, it's about making changes I can keep up with to make myself healthier.  For me.  And my family.

Anxiety

I don't even know how many different times I've started this post.

I've always dealt with some form of anxiety.  From typical things like the first day of school or dances, to having a full blown panic attack the grocery store.  Things got worse after Katie and Matthew died but I learned and coped. 

I learned that exercise helped.  Sometimes.  I learned that watching my diet, crocheting, sleep, taking care of myself helped.  Sometimes.  Then we got Michael and Ruthy.  Again- not their legal names.  Yet.

Becoming the mom to two toddlers overnight paired with incident reports (every time they got hurt) made my anxiety skyrocket.  How could I keep them safe all of the time?  What if the courts looked down upon us for the bruises the kids would inevitably get?  What if the courts took the kids away because of one too many bruises?  What if they got really hurt?  What if something happened to Tim and I'm solely responsible for the kids?

And up went the anxiety.

I tried the breathing techniques, the exercising, everything I used before.  Nothing helped.  I could not get out of my head enough to see that they're kids- accidents happen.  The court and our caseworkers, obviously, knew that.  I just couldn't stop thinking of something happening to them.

So I went to see my doctor.  I cried through the entire appointment.  He diagnosed me with generalized anxiety and gave me some medications to help.  He encouraged me to see a counselor who specializes in grief/baby loss and to take my medications as prescribed.

Overall, I'm so much better.  I still have times where everything is so overwhelming and I don't feel like I can handle it, but that's normal.  That's parenting.  That- I can handle.  I'm hoping that with the weight loss and diet changes that I'll get to an even better place.  Maybe even a place where I don't need the medications. 

Happy 2013!

I hope you all have a wonderful 2013.

Now is the time that resolutions are made to, in general, make us better people.  I do have a lot of lofty goals for 2013 and I really don't want to be disappointed in myself like I was in 2012.  I want to I'm going to look back and be proud of myself.  I'm going to make monthly goals for myself. 

Here's what I have so far:

January- Finish the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon
February- Stick with my diet
March- Increase exercise
April- Turn 30 (Yikes!)
May- Go to the American Humanist Association convention in San Diego
June-  Stick with my diet and exercise
July-
August-
September-
October-
November-
December- Celebrate meeting all of my goals and losing (hopefully) 50lbs.


And that's all I have so far.  What are you planning on doing to make you better in 2013?

::taps screen::

Hi?  Hello?  Is anyone there?  6 months is a long time to not blog.  Here's a rundown of the last 6 months.

Parent rights were terminated.  We are steps closer to legally being Michael and Ruth's parents.  Not their real names, by the way.  They are flourishing.  They are amazing.

I've signed up for the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon again.  And I'm slacking on training.  Again.  But I'll get on track.  I have to.  I refuse to be disappointed in myself.  I don't want to give up.

And that's pretty much it.  Ha!

I'm on MyFitnessPal.  Feel free to follow me at: itsmetw.  I'm thinking of doing a Whole 30 to detox from all of the crap I've been eating lately.  If anyone has meal plans to share that would be greatly appreciated!

I'm sorry I've been slacking.  I will try to get better at regularly blogging.  I promise.

Hi All!

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post.  I always want to get better at blogging, then I'm just exhausted when I finally get a chance to sit and write.

I started South Beach again.  I need to focus on eating better.  I've been so busy with work, the kids, and life in general that fast food has been my primary means of lunch.  Which is horrible.  I've packed my lunch a few times this week and ate salads the other days.

I'm not sure if I want to run the 1/2.  Running is hard, I don't enjoy it right now, I'm not motivated by it.  Perhaps, I should focus on just being healthy for the time being.  And enjoying my family and being active with them.

There's nothing really to report on the kid front.  They're both doing wonderfully and have birthdays coming up!!  The Boy wants a bug cake.  I think I'm going to make The Girl a rainbow cake.  If you're Facebook friends with me then you may even see pictures!  Of the cakes, not the kids :)

So, sorry it has been so long.  I'll try to be better.

OH WAIT!!  Some friends and I are starting the Biggest Loser type weight loss.  Send me your email if you'd like to join!  The details haven't been decided yet, but possibly $20 to participate, winner (or top 2 perhaps?) get a massage or gift card to a local (to them) spa!!

And so it begins...

Training.  For this.  With kids.  My bff is going to run it with me.  My sister-in-law (well one of the 3) is going to as well. 

I feel like things are sort of even keeled with the kids, for the time being, and they would enjoy a trip out in the stroller a few times a week to help me get ready.  I may try to do the long run each week without them.  Pushing an additional 65ish pounds-o-kid is a lot while trying to not die.  We shall see.  How do you other moms do it?  Seriously?  I need help!  Also- meal planning.  How do you do it?  Teach me.

Kid update: The Boy & Girl are doing quite well lately.  We seem to have hit our stride, which I'm sure will change in a few days.  I mean, they are toddlers... but for now it feels amazing.  The Boy has wanted me to comfort him instead of his baby and blanket.  The Girl thinks it's the bestthingever to laugh at her brother and to make Daddy & I proud.  They're just wonderful.  It took A LOT to get here.  And I know we are by no means "over it" yet, but it feels amazing.

Okay. Seriously...

I have the best excuse for my lack of posts.  Or the 2 best excuses :)

I believe in my last post we were just approved to foster, or were just about to be approved.  Let me go back there...

November 5th- We were approved to foster.

November 8th- We got a placement call.

November 9th- We welcomed our kids into our home.  And things haven't been and will never be the same again.  We are incredibly proud parents to The Boy and The Girl.

Obviously, I can't go into detail.  Especially here. 

Things started out really rough.  The Boy came with a lot of "issues".  Tantrums, hitting, biting, kicking, head banging.  Explosive tantrums.  Explosive everything.  We had few laughs, smiles, and easy times in the beginning.  The Girl learned most of his behaviors (but they weren't nearly as explosive) and didn't sleep through the night.

Now?  We have gigglefits and dance parties.  We have smiles and trips to the park.  It's not all rainbow and sunshine, but we have gotten through so much.  And we sleep!  Obviously, we hope that this moves toward adoption and should know more, soon.

Exercise and diet has been placed on the back burner.  Which means I didn't run the 1/2 marathon this last weekend.  I strapped the kiddos in the stroller and we cheered our family on.  I'm on the fence if I will train for one in the future... I'm leaning toward yes.  We shall see.

And now this momma is going to bed. 

Almost One Year

I've had a difficult time deciding what to write for Matthew's upcoming birthday.  Whether I wanted to share the raw emotions here, or just on my private loss blog.  And I suppose it's okay that I haven't made a decision seeing as how I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.

There's obviously pain.  Remembering where I was this time last year and how hopeful I was.  I was receiving so much support from family, friends, and complete strangers.  We received so many calls, emails, pictures, and game faces.  It had to be different this time. 

We obviously know it wasn't.

And while it is so incredibly easy to sit and focus on that, I'm trying so hard not to.  I've had a few bad days which were made worse by this never ending cold and not being able to work out.  I've been dizzy, snotty, and stuffy for the last week.  Walking around campus makes me winded.  Working out obviously hasn't been done.  And now it's moved into my chest.  I'm hoping this means it's on its way out.

So.  Here I am almost a year after my heart was broken again.  I never thought I'd lose 2 babies and live.  And not only live, but have this hope that I have today and rebuilding my heart and body for the future.

Sometimes, it's just plain difficult.

I talk the talk, but don't necessarily walk the walk.  I know a lot of it has to do with being so incredibly busy at work, the birthdays are within a month (and 11 days) of each other.  In the next few days I have 2 doctors appointments (for fost/adopt), a baby shower I'm throwing (which I'm SO excited for), an adoption class, and 2 staff meetings.  Oh, and work.  And being a wife.

I just think it's so much.  And to exercise on top of that just seems like too much.  I know that an hour here or there will make me feel better, but after an incredibly long day, I'd much rather spend that time on the couch.

Help me. 

Help me get moving again.  Help me stay moving.

Help me.

Whoa. Sorry, folks!

An entire month (and 4 days) without posting?  I suppose the last month just got away from me.  I apologize.

I haven't been as strict with my diet or exercise as I know I should be.  Which is why I'm turning back to the blog and South Beach phase 1 to help me.  I've also decided to work toward the half marathon that I'm going to train for a 15k.  I found a training program that I will do to help me focus.

Everything else is going really well.  Tim and I were approved to start taking fost/adoption classes!  Our first one is this Thursday!  We should be certified and ready to start taking placements by the end of October.  Holy smokes. 

I also acted as a doula for one of my best friends.  That was, by far, one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of.  It was a long, insanely emotional and beautiful experience.  I can't begin to even put into words how wonderful it was.  And to see her as a mother?  One of the most heart warming things ever. 

So that's where I'm at now.  I'll update more as to how the training is going once I start at it again. 

My First 5K!

Well my 3rd, but my first actually "training" and in 3 years.  All in all, it went really well!  My friend and I have been training (somewhat) over the past month or so.  The longest we've jogged was about 1 1/2 miles without stopping.  Today?  She went the entire way!  I had to stop a few times mainly because my foot went numb.  (Side note:  my shoes weren't too tight, I had a slight cramp, but what can I do to make this stop?  Keep running?  Stretch more?  Get the funky toe shoe things?  HELP!)  But the results?  I'm pretty happy.

I finished in 36 mins 26 seconds with a pace time of 11:44.  I think our times would have been better if it wasn't so congested at some points of the race.  BUT.  I'm still really happy.

Remember my friend Emily, she did the 15K and finished in 1:40:32.  Isn't that awesome?  I'm so proud of her!

So now, I have an appt tomorrow with Dr. W.  I'm kind of thinking I won't see her as often anymore.  I don't think the vitamin shots are helping my diet and I think with running I'll be able to do it all on my own. 


Not running related- thank you all for the support on my last post.  Tim and I are very excited for this next step in our life.

Moving Forward.

I've sort of hesitated posting this because it's not about weight loss or my diet.  It's about moving forward in a different way.  And part of this process, like many others, is being open and honest not only with myself and my husband, but with our family and friends.

After much discussion and a little tear shedding (for the good), Tim and I are moving forward with foster/adoption.

When Katie died, we talked about having one more and adopting one.  After Matthew was born the thought of having another one was (and still is) incredibly frightening.  We also thought it would be selfish for us to potentially lose another baby when there are so many children out there who need stable, loving families. 

The bottom line is that we want to be parents.  We want to be exhausted from chasing our kids around all day.  We want to be woken up in the middle of the night because one of our kids had a bad dream.  We want to support, mold and just love some of the children who need it most.

The next few months will be filled with interviews, classes and inspections.  It's all very exciting and overwhelming and a tad emotional.

So there you have it.

Oh also- first 5k is on Monday.  I'm guessing since I haven't been running a lot lately (long stories) that it'll be longer than wanted.  But at least I have a friend to run with me!  I'll let you know how that goes.