I'm. A. Slacker.

Remember when I wrote about my motivation and how I found it?  It was fantastic.  I was exercising daily, watching my diet, and felt amazing.  Then I got sick.  For a week and a half I was going through the motions of my daily routine... minus the exercising.  I was too dizzy, exhausted, and couldn't breathe.

And then there was Monday.  Matthew's birthday made incredibly special by getting the call saying that my best friend was being admitted to labor and delivery.  I was incredibly honored to be there and help her through labor.  Her sweet baby boy was born on Tuesday morning.  They are both healthy and doing wonderfully.

So exercise wise I haven't done much at all in the last 2 weeks.  I know I'll get it back, I have to... the 1/2 marathon isn't that far off. 

My friend (and someday guest blogger) S and her husband J are coming out to visit in the middle of November.  I'd like to lose at least 15 lbs by then.  I know I need to stop slacking, stick with my diet and exercise, and I'll get there.

That's what has been going on with me.  You all know that I'm pretty open with things, what are some topics you'd like me to talk/write about here? 

Almost One Year

I've had a difficult time deciding what to write for Matthew's upcoming birthday.  Whether I wanted to share the raw emotions here, or just on my private loss blog.  And I suppose it's okay that I haven't made a decision seeing as how I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.

There's obviously pain.  Remembering where I was this time last year and how hopeful I was.  I was receiving so much support from family, friends, and complete strangers.  We received so many calls, emails, pictures, and game faces.  It had to be different this time. 

We obviously know it wasn't.

And while it is so incredibly easy to sit and focus on that, I'm trying so hard not to.  I've had a few bad days which were made worse by this never ending cold and not being able to work out.  I've been dizzy, snotty, and stuffy for the last week.  Walking around campus makes me winded.  Working out obviously hasn't been done.  And now it's moved into my chest.  I'm hoping this means it's on its way out.

So.  Here I am almost a year after my heart was broken again.  I never thought I'd lose 2 babies and live.  And not only live, but have this hope that I have today and rebuilding my heart and body for the future.

Sometimes, it's just plain difficult.

I talk the talk, but don't necessarily walk the walk.  I know a lot of it has to do with being so incredibly busy at work, the birthdays are within a month (and 11 days) of each other.  In the next few days I have 2 doctors appointments (for fost/adopt), a baby shower I'm throwing (which I'm SO excited for), an adoption class, and 2 staff meetings.  Oh, and work.  And being a wife.

I just think it's so much.  And to exercise on top of that just seems like too much.  I know that an hour here or there will make me feel better, but after an incredibly long day, I'd much rather spend that time on the couch.

Help me. 

Help me get moving again.  Help me stay moving.

Help me.

Whoa. Sorry, folks!

An entire month (and 4 days) without posting?  I suppose the last month just got away from me.  I apologize.

I haven't been as strict with my diet or exercise as I know I should be.  Which is why I'm turning back to the blog and South Beach phase 1 to help me.  I've also decided to work toward the half marathon that I'm going to train for a 15k.  I found a training program that I will do to help me focus.

Everything else is going really well.  Tim and I were approved to start taking fost/adoption classes!  Our first one is this Thursday!  We should be certified and ready to start taking placements by the end of October.  Holy smokes. 

I also acted as a doula for one of my best friends.  That was, by far, one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of.  It was a long, insanely emotional and beautiful experience.  I can't begin to even put into words how wonderful it was.  And to see her as a mother?  One of the most heart warming things ever. 

So that's where I'm at now.  I'll update more as to how the training is going once I start at it again. 

Moving Forward.

I've sort of hesitated posting this because it's not about weight loss or my diet.  It's about moving forward in a different way.  And part of this process, like many others, is being open and honest not only with myself and my husband, but with our family and friends.

After much discussion and a little tear shedding (for the good), Tim and I are moving forward with foster/adoption.

When Katie died, we talked about having one more and adopting one.  After Matthew was born the thought of having another one was (and still is) incredibly frightening.  We also thought it would be selfish for us to potentially lose another baby when there are so many children out there who need stable, loving families. 

The bottom line is that we want to be parents.  We want to be exhausted from chasing our kids around all day.  We want to be woken up in the middle of the night because one of our kids had a bad dream.  We want to support, mold and just love some of the children who need it most.

The next few months will be filled with interviews, classes and inspections.  It's all very exciting and overwhelming and a tad emotional.

So there you have it.

Oh also- first 5k is on Monday.  I'm guessing since I haven't been running a lot lately (long stories) that it'll be longer than wanted.  But at least I have a friend to run with me!  I'll let you know how that goes.

2 more pounds down!!

Hooray!!  I've been incredibly busy with work and well, life.  But I'm still managing to watch my diet and exercise.  Although I could do more of that...

The 2lbs lost this week bring my total down to 16.2lbs total since after having Matthew.  And 11.2 since I started this weight loss journey.  You know... last month.  That's awesome.  And I need to focus on how far I've come instead of how far I have to go.

I feel as though I'm holding out on you, dear readers.  A lot of what I'm going through is so incredibly personal and while I do feel comfortable talking about my feelings, I don't really write about them in relation to my weight loss.  But I know the day will come when I talk about my losses here a little more.  And like I've said before, feel free to ask me any questions about my losses, weight loss, diet, whatever.

And as always.  Thank you for the support.  You all are wonderful.

Welcome.

::waves nervously and takes a deep breath::

It's no surprise (if you know me) that I'm overweight.  I've gained about 25lbs since getting married and have to lose some weight.  Now, I've never been a skinny person.  But I've definitely been in better shape.  Losing weight is quite difficult which is why I decided to blog about it.  Maybe someone out there has been in my shoes, has lost the weight or can give me some additional support.

In 2009, I was diagnosed with PCOS.  This was after gaining 15lbs after going off the birth control pill and not having any non-medically induced periods.  I was put on 1500mg of Metformin.  In April 2009, I found out I was pregnant.  In August, at just 23w3d, our daughter was born prematurely.  The doctors said I went into labor because of an infection.

Fast forward to May 2010, I found out I was pregnant again.  In September, I was placed on hospital bedrest due to an incompetent cervix that we caught too late.  A short 6 days later, our son was born.  He, like his sister, passed away shortly after birth.

This time they know I have an incompetent cervix and my doctor also told me something else about PCOS.  In some pregnant with PCOS, sugars damage the blood vessels in the placenta (but not the baby) causing hormones to be released that start labor.


Now, my doctors can't definitively tell me that's what happened to me, but it sounds highly likely dontcha think? 

So, I plan to kick its ass.  I'm getting my life back into my control.  I'm back on the birth control pill and am waiting for the nutritionist to give me a call back.  Regardless of if we ever want to get pregnant again or not, I need to get into better shape.  I need to do it for me.  And for my babies.