Anxiety

I don't even know how many different times I've started this post.

I've always dealt with some form of anxiety.  From typical things like the first day of school or dances, to having a full blown panic attack the grocery store.  Things got worse after Katie and Matthew died but I learned and coped. 

I learned that exercise helped.  Sometimes.  I learned that watching my diet, crocheting, sleep, taking care of myself helped.  Sometimes.  Then we got Michael and Ruthy.  Again- not their legal names.  Yet.

Becoming the mom to two toddlers overnight paired with incident reports (every time they got hurt) made my anxiety skyrocket.  How could I keep them safe all of the time?  What if the courts looked down upon us for the bruises the kids would inevitably get?  What if the courts took the kids away because of one too many bruises?  What if they got really hurt?  What if something happened to Tim and I'm solely responsible for the kids?

And up went the anxiety.

I tried the breathing techniques, the exercising, everything I used before.  Nothing helped.  I could not get out of my head enough to see that they're kids- accidents happen.  The court and our caseworkers, obviously, knew that.  I just couldn't stop thinking of something happening to them.

So I went to see my doctor.  I cried through the entire appointment.  He diagnosed me with generalized anxiety and gave me some medications to help.  He encouraged me to see a counselor who specializes in grief/baby loss and to take my medications as prescribed.

Overall, I'm so much better.  I still have times where everything is so overwhelming and I don't feel like I can handle it, but that's normal.  That's parenting.  That- I can handle.  I'm hoping that with the weight loss and diet changes that I'll get to an even better place.  Maybe even a place where I don't need the medications.