Almost One Year

I've had a difficult time deciding what to write for Matthew's upcoming birthday.  Whether I wanted to share the raw emotions here, or just on my private loss blog.  And I suppose it's okay that I haven't made a decision seeing as how I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.

There's obviously pain.  Remembering where I was this time last year and how hopeful I was.  I was receiving so much support from family, friends, and complete strangers.  We received so many calls, emails, pictures, and game faces.  It had to be different this time. 

We obviously know it wasn't.

And while it is so incredibly easy to sit and focus on that, I'm trying so hard not to.  I've had a few bad days which were made worse by this never ending cold and not being able to work out.  I've been dizzy, snotty, and stuffy for the last week.  Walking around campus makes me winded.  Working out obviously hasn't been done.  And now it's moved into my chest.  I'm hoping this means it's on its way out.

So.  Here I am almost a year after my heart was broken again.  I never thought I'd lose 2 babies and live.  And not only live, but have this hope that I have today and rebuilding my heart and body for the future.

60 Days

In 60 days my wonderful friend, S (the soon to be guest blogger) and her husband will be landing in CA.

In those 60 days, I would like to fully complete the 30 day shred and be able to run 5 miles without stopping.  I think with that and eating well, the weight should just melt off.  At least, I hope it does.

Last week was incredibly busy and difficult.  I got out to run once and it was so hot and humid it was awful.  I wasn't even happy I went when it was over.  The weather shouldn't break 100 this week so I should be will be running more often.  I also have my physical and I'm interested to see how much my cholesterol has dropped, assuming it has dropped.   I'll keep you all posted.

As for now, I'm going to take a bath and hope my migraine leaves.  I don't have time to have one.  Peace out, folks. 

Sometimes, it's just plain difficult.

I talk the talk, but don't necessarily walk the walk.  I know a lot of it has to do with being so incredibly busy at work, the birthdays are within a month (and 11 days) of each other.  In the next few days I have 2 doctors appointments (for fost/adopt), a baby shower I'm throwing (which I'm SO excited for), an adoption class, and 2 staff meetings.  Oh, and work.  And being a wife.

I just think it's so much.  And to exercise on top of that just seems like too much.  I know that an hour here or there will make me feel better, but after an incredibly long day, I'd much rather spend that time on the couch.

Help me. 

Help me get moving again.  Help me stay moving.

Help me.

I'm having a hard time starting...

Work has been insane.  Only a week and a half in and I'm losing my ever-loving mind.  It doesn't help that the temps have been over 100 every single day so I haven't been out to run.  I haven't been exercising as much as I should because I am so tired.  And when I mean so tired I mean, I get home, do some things around the house, make dinner, shower and sleep.  Last week, Tim had to put me to bed.  It was only 8:30pm.

This weekend I went to WA to surprise my friend for her birthday.  Well, her husband had me surprise her.  It was awesome.  We laughed so hard we cried, we ate some yummy food, drank some yummy drinks, and celebrated.  We celebrated being healthy.  We celebrated the birth of my friend.  We celebrated life. 

So since I'm all trying to be motivated and should be training for a 1/2 marathon in now less than 4 months, I will start tonight.  Strength and stretching.  It may feel really good being as I'm SO tired.  Then tomorrow- 2 mile run.  We have back to school night tomorrow so I'm debating waking up and going at 5am.  That's nuts.  We know I won't.  I'll do it when I get home around 7.  It shouldn't be nearly as hot.

I hope you all have a great week.  And I leave you with this picture.  You, too, can start today. 

Recommitting and Ramblings.

In the last month I fell off of the diet/exercise bandwagon and was dragged behind it.  Any resemblance of the normalcy I created is gone.  I didn't have a schedule and did whatever I wanted to do.  Which is obviously not good for me.

The school year started on Wednesday and kids start back Monday.  Which seems like the perfect time to catch up to this bandwagon again.  I don't think I can be as strict with my diet as I was before but I know I cannot be as lenient as I have been lately.

I look at my body and I don't think the 4lbs that crept back on is too noticeable, but I notice it.  I see it in the way I carry myself.  I feel my stomach protruding and my neck feels fat.  I know a lot of people trying to lose weight feel this way so I'm just going to lay it out here:  I am so pissed at myself for stopping even though I know I needed the break to refocus and adjust.

All of that being said:
Tomorrow I'm starting this 15k training program.  I'm totally okay if it takes me longer than 10 weeks seeing as how the measly 2 miles seems daunting.
Tomorrow I will make a meal plan for the week and go stock up on the healthy foods so I can be prepared for the stressful week ahead.

AND- exciting news... my friend S is going to be a guest blogger!  We are going to get through this together, just like we've gotten through so much together already.  We will work out our reward for when we meet whatever goals we set.

My goal?  I'm thinking the final 25-30 pounds by the end of the year.  Part of me thinks that 30lbs is incredibly unrealistic.  Another part of me thinks knows that if I follow my diet and stick with the training, I should be able to hit it.

So there we are.

My Current FB Status Says it All...

Things I learned this morning:  #1: I'm not ready to run in shorts yet... no one wants to see that.  #2: Running in the morning without eating is a bad idea.  #3:  I need to run more.


Yep. 

::sigh::

Whoa. Sorry, folks!

An entire month (and 4 days) without posting?  I suppose the last month just got away from me.  I apologize.

I haven't been as strict with my diet or exercise as I know I should be.  Which is why I'm turning back to the blog and South Beach phase 1 to help me.  I've also decided to work toward the half marathon that I'm going to train for a 15k.  I found a training program that I will do to help me focus.

Everything else is going really well.  Tim and I were approved to start taking fost/adoption classes!  Our first one is this Thursday!  We should be certified and ready to start taking placements by the end of October.  Holy smokes. 

I also acted as a doula for one of my best friends.  That was, by far, one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of.  It was a long, insanely emotional and beautiful experience.  I can't begin to even put into words how wonderful it was.  And to see her as a mother?  One of the most heart warming things ever. 

So that's where I'm at now.  I'll update more as to how the training is going once I start at it again.